daily irritations.

Everything seems to go wrong at the end of the summer. I lose the ability to day drink, sunlight peaces out early, girls need to wear pants more often. All real bummers. It's like the universe is trying to prepare you for 7 months of raking and shoveling nature off your driveway. In my case I got the following assortment of suckage: my girlfriend had back surgery, my horse has severe colic in the middle of the night, my other horse broke it's leg, my car leaks a river into the passenger side whenever I turn left, and it's been raining for like 72 hours. Hand me a shovel and like 20 feet of snow. I'm ready. It will be like drinking cocktails on the beach compared with all this other stuff. Needless to say, I have had very little time or effort to make better bad decisions lately. Soooo....

Bad Decision: Ranting like a lunatic.
Better Bad Decision: Doing it on the Internet, where everyone is crazy.

Lucky for me I was blessed with the gift of not giving a fuck about most things life throws at me. So these major issues are things I can deal with without much stress. The goddamn refrigerator not dispensing ice when I tell it to though....that will result in appliance murder 100 times out of 100. So will all of these things:

1.   Traffic

          In summer it takes me 25 minutes to get to work. The second school starts, it takes me an hour. I sit in the same traffic every day trying to get to my little cube, and every day I feel trapped. I can't go anywhere. I can only sit there and wait. I can pinpoint exactly the two lights that cause all the traffic too. And if I had a baseball bat, I would go out on rt 9 in the middle of the night and I would take. them. OUT. Bam. No more traffic. I'm a problem solver.

I don't even know where I was trying to go anymore.

2.   Pill Bottles

          I've been opening a lot of these lately (more on that next week), and when opening at 3am "child proof" becomes "26-year-old-with-not-enough-sleep proof". It's seriously a miracle I haven't done one of those chip bag moves with a pill bottle yet, where the whole room ends up being showered in Valiums.

3.   Office Chit-Chat

          There is a much-too-high direct correlation between the amount of time it takes my pop-tart to toast and the number of times I have to say, "Good, how are you?." every morning. It's not even 8am. Breakfast food is my coffee. Do not speak to me until I eat. I'm just going to start answering with things like, "Fucking fabulous!" or "Devastatingly depressed" until people become too uncomfortable to ask me how I'm doing anymore in the office kitchen. Peaceful pop-tart toasting. That is my professional goal.

4.   3:30 - 4:30

          This is the last hour of my work day. It is absolutely 3 hours long.

5.   Adult Zits

          Every so often my face attacks itself. I'm a twenty fucking six year old gay girl who is on goddamn birth control so this exact thing doesn't happen. WHY am I still getting zits? It's always right before I have to present something at an important meeting too. Don't mind the girl who's going through puberty in the business suit. Also don't mind that it looks like she has the herp, because adult zits don't fuck around. They get you where it counts.

I can see it on my own face, with my own eyes. Not ok.

6.   Forgetting Things

          It takes me forever to get out of the house every time I try to go somewhere. First I've left my purse on the counter, then I forgot the keys (so silly), then I left a sweater in case it gets cold upstairs (what am I, a grandma?), then my cell phone is missing (OH GOD. WHERE IS MY LIFELINE?!), then....who the fuck knows. It's inevitable. I'll go up and down the stairs at least 3 times, and by the time I've got everything, I need to go back in for a glass of water because I'm parched from all that exercise.

7.   Light Bulbs Burning Out

          The light bulb in my garage (which is tall enough to park an RV in for some unknown reason) went out last week. So now I can no longer shut the garage door behind me from the car. I have to leave it open until I walk all the way through the garage and into the house. Do you even know how many things can run inside from the darkness and eat me during that time? Like a bunch. There's also a light that's been out in my bathroom for about 5 months now. And one in the entry way that's been out for 2 months. They bother me every day that they don't work, but I just can't bring myself to replace them. Candles for the win.

8.   Feeding the Dog

          Every morning when I'm in a huge rush I have to stop flying around the house and measure out some kibble for the tiny animal that lives in my house. You've been watching me do this for years, Royce. It's about time you start feeding yourself breakfast. And while you're at it, get a job. You're 5 years old for christ's sake.

9.   Turning Left Out of My Street

          Sometimes it takes 10 seconds, other times it takes an eternity. If it takes 15 minutes for you to get out of your own street, that's gotta be a sign that you probably shouldn't be leaving. If I start saying I can't come out because my street won't let me, don't be surprised. Totally legitimate.

10.   Traffic

          It just had to be said again.

Life Lesson: It's the little stuff you've got to watch out for.

I can't find my keys...

-LSLP, Ash.