Roofie Colada

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm writing this post. There are at least 10 other people just off the top of my head that definitely have better recollections of the events of last weekend than I do. Oh, "Why's that?" you ask? Well last weekend was the much anticipated, giant, lesbian, pool party, during the course of which I was either drugged (I'm going with this theory to save face) or made a super successful attempt at recreating freshman year drinking (probably the more likely situation). Point being I made it about 3 hours into the day before I got sick and completely blacked out. I am clearly the best person to bring to a party...if you want to look sober.

Those first 3 hours were great- Stood by the bar the entire time (red flag number 1), got some shots purchased for me (red flag number 2), had some amazing drinks mixed by a friend of ours (red flag number 3), made friends with gay boys (first sign I am getting drunk), and slowly removed additional pieces of clothing until I was just in my bathing suit (when the shorts came off, someone probably should have handed me a water). Since everyone except me runs on lesbian time, The Cripple and I were the first ones to arrive of our group, which I think directly correlated to the quick succession of drinks going into my mouth since we were killing time waiting for our friends to get there. At one point I texted Irina, an hour after she said she would arrive, to ask her if she was almost there, and her response was, "What's the address?" Which made me need a drink.

When our friends finally did arrive, we moved over to a cabana, where after another drink or two I apparently forgot I was in public and PDAed my way through the next half hour or so. As a general rule I'm very non-PDA. So if I'm climbing all over the person I'm with that's probably a good sign I should be slowing down the alcohol intake (or increasing it? That could really go either way...). And then it happened. I was having a grand time, playing with a beach ball, dancing a bit, chatting with friends, when all of a sudden I felt awful. I sat down in a chair, and bam. Sick.

Bad Decision: Getting so excited for the party, that you speed drink 3 cocktails in 20 minutes.
Better Bad Decision: Having friends with a cabana so you can hide behind a wall of friendly homos while you crumple into a shell of a human.

While everyone else at the party was doing this:

Lesbians, vodka, pool floaties, YAY!



I was doing this:

It's like a where's waldo of horrors.

One minute it's 5pm and sunny daylight out and I'm sitting in a chair in the cabana being sick. The next minute it's 10pm and pitch black out and I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot being sick. Wait, what? How did I get to my car? How is it dark out? IT'S BEEN FIVE HOURS?! I legitimately lost 5 hours of time at this party as if no time had gone by for me at all. Is that a normal reaction to drinking? I think not. The thing of this is, is that I am basically a champion drinker. I'm a small girl, but I can put down way more than should be physically possible normally. I have never, EVER, reacted to alcohol like this in my life. Even when I got super sick from drinking in college, I did not black out. Hence, my theory of being drugged.

I started running through the possibilities:
I had my drink on the bar, and on some tables...I brought my drink to the bathroom...Did I bring it IN the bathroom? Ew, no. I probably left it on a table outside. Idiot. ...I also had, like, at least 3 of my friends retrieve me drinks from the bar....there is at least a 75% chance that someone here wants to drug one of my friends. No, 85% chance. Definitely 85%.

In the end I don't know what happened. Maybe I just drank too much too fast without enough food and the heat of the day got to me. Day drinking always has been my nemesis. Or maybe I did get drugged. I'd like to prefer I got drugged so I don't feel like as big of a douche for being that drunk girl. But Irina assured me that I was at least a non-obnoxious drunk girl. Apparently I just sat there quietly being sick. How considerate of me. I do remember at the end of the night, when I had regained awareness of my surroundings, I was placed on a curb next to some other wasted girl. My friend Kara was asking her, "Honey, where is your shoe? Where do you think you lost your shoe? Was it over here?" And the girl is swaying back and forth and looking at her foot like, "I don't have a shoe on?" Even in my drugged/drunk state I knew I didn't want to be that girl, so I stood up to look more sober. Totally worked. ...Right?

Some acknowledgements:

• The Cripple:  You let me faceplant in your lap for 5 hours and fed me bread like a bird. You never got mad or yelled at me for ruining your time. Best girlfriend ever. I owe you 5 hours of faceplant.
• Kara:  You handed me a bucket when I was being sick, which is so much classier than losing it on the ground. That's the last thing I remember of the daylight time. I also woke up the next day with 5-7 bobby pins in my hair. Leave it to a hairstylist to be all "SAVE THE HAIR!" when a girl's getting sick. Solid.
• Brie:  Thank god there's another lesbian who knows how to drive stick. If it wasn't for you I'd probably still be in the parking lot.
• Irina:  It just seems fitting that you are around for scenarios like this. You're like the first responder of "Help, Ashly's Wasted" calls. One of my most vivid memories is of the mustard stain on your shirt from the gas station hot dog. I'd like to think you arranged that for comedic relief.

Life Lesson: Get your own drinks, because someone at the party probably wants to drug your friends.

Where am I?

-LSLP, Ash.

To my younger readers who have just headed off to college. This is written all in good fun, but roofies/being drugged is no joke. Seriously get your own drinks. And watch them like a fucking hawk.

i can't do WHAT?

What's one of the main things (ok, THE main thing) every guy wants to do? Get it in. And you know they feel like the super god of sex if they get the girl off. That's like goal number 1. Girls are not easy. Most guys readily admit they need a GPS, 3 hands, and their face to make it happen. So when they do a good job, they can then afterwards pat themselves on the back, say "I am the fucking man!", and go to bed with their head held high. Now before any of you dude readers out there start getting all uppity about these accusations, settle the f down because lesbians are the same way (except the needing a GPS part, pretty sure I know how lady parts are made). Don't even try to tell me this isn't how you feel. Every lesbian out there who is succeeding, is mentally marking down another notch in the I'm-fucking-good-at-fucking tally sheet. So no shame here, ok? We're all in it to win it.

Now before you can even worry about securing the win, first you have to convince some unsuspecting lady to come home with you. There are a bunch of common attempts here, some of which I'd say are tried and true, and others which are great starters for the long game but not your on-point closers.

• Take Her Out to Dinner.
• This used to be a good one. A classic. Who doesn't love to be wined and dined? The problem here is that I'm fairly certain that over the last decade every girl's motto has become, "A Girl's Gotta Eat" so if you're offering to buy some chick a free meal, there's no way she's saying no. There's also probably no way she's going to be laying in your satin sheets later. 2-3 of these and maybe.
• Reverse Psychology.
• "I'm not even about getting a girl into bed. I just want to get to know you first. I don't expect anything from you." Ok, if you are talking about how you don't expect anything, and don't care about getting me into bed, I'm pretty sure that's exactly whats on your mind. This will work on some dumb girls...or probably anyone under 22.
• Flowers.
• What is this? Are we in the 1960's? Are you going to put on a bow tie in a minute and lead me to your Camero? THESE WILL DIE IN 3 DAYS. Bring me something shiny that used to be a rock, then we'll talk.
• Alcohol.
• This one's a winner. Tried and true, through and through. But there's a balance. Buy her too few drinks and she's going home with her friends to giggle and make mac & cheese. Buy her too many drinks and she's throwing up in your nightstand. As soon as she makes out with you publicly, that's your sweet spot. No more alcohol. This works particularly well if you live NEXT to a bar. Think about how smooth that transition can be...
• "Let's Just Snuggle"
• The segue to is just too easy. I dont' know how anyone can mess this up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I graze your boob?
• Be Kind of an Asshole
• If you're a total asshole, you're going to be dismissed. No one wants to feel like shit. If you're super nice, you're going to get walked all over. But "kind of an asshole" is fucking gold.

There are countless more I'm sure. I'm not trying to say I'm a pro. I mostly get girls by being slightly awkward  I think, which somehow works with lesbians. But I do have my smooth moments, so maybe the combination is what works. Regardless, I have a strong appreciation for any out-of-the-box approaches that lead to success.

Recently I was out for drinks with a group of friends when I witnessed one of the most creative techniques for getting some I've seen to date. A friend of mine spent about 20 minutes talking about how she doesn't even care that she hasn't gotten it in in a while because no one can get her off anyways. She even went so far as to make the statement that no one had ever been able to get her off by going down on her. We were not talking quietly. You could literally see all the guys within hearing distance glance over with the same look in their eyes..."I bet I could do it." Hell, even though I had no real intention of doing it, my immediate internal reaction was the same. I have no idea if her intention was to lure someone in, or if she was just making conversation and venting. But you know what....my friend got oral pleasured that night by the only single person at our table. Like, are you even kidding me with this? It's genius. Do other people use this?
"Oh, no one can get me off. I'm impossible. Dont' even bother."
"What's that? You think I can't do it? Well, HA. Let me show you. I can't do it....pffff...can't not do shit, that's what I can't do. Lay the fuck down. Let me help you with those pants."

Bad Decisions: Using a pickup line you heard in a movie as your technique to get girls.
Better Bad Decision: Following it up with, "That's alright, I can't find anyone who makes me enjoy sex anyways."

By the way, this tactic probably only works when used by a woman. If you're a dude and you tell some chick she can't get you off, I'm pretty sure she's going to laugh in your face. Let's be honest, if she pushes her boobs together, gives you that look (you know the one) and glances at your zipper, you're pretty much already there.

Life Lesson: There's no excuse for a dry spell anymore.

Get it girl.
-LSLP, Ash.

PS- Sorry to my family who reads this. I mean, I dont' even know what "sex" is. Who wrote this?!