i can't do WHAT?

What's one of the main things (ok, THE main thing) every guy wants to do? Get it in. And you know they feel like the super god of sex if they get the girl off. That's like goal number 1. Girls are not easy. Most guys readily admit they need a GPS, 3 hands, and their face to make it happen. So when they do a good job, they can then afterwards pat themselves on the back, say "I am the fucking man!", and go to bed with their head held high. Now before any of you dude readers out there start getting all uppity about these accusations, settle the f down because lesbians are the same way (except the needing a GPS part, pretty sure I know how lady parts are made). Don't even try to tell me this isn't how you feel. Every lesbian out there who is succeeding, is mentally marking down another notch in the I'm-fucking-good-at-fucking tally sheet. So no shame here, ok? We're all in it to win it.

Now before you can even worry about securing the win, first you have to convince some unsuspecting lady to come home with you. There are a bunch of common attempts here, some of which I'd say are tried and true, and others which are great starters for the long game but not your on-point closers.

• Take Her Out to Dinner.
• This used to be a good one. A classic. Who doesn't love to be wined and dined? The problem here is that I'm fairly certain that over the last decade every girl's motto has become, "A Girl's Gotta Eat" so if you're offering to buy some chick a free meal, there's no way she's saying no. There's also probably no way she's going to be laying in your satin sheets later. 2-3 of these and maybe.
• Reverse Psychology.
• "I'm not even about getting a girl into bed. I just want to get to know you first. I don't expect anything from you." Ok, if you are talking about how you don't expect anything, and don't care about getting me into bed, I'm pretty sure that's exactly whats on your mind. This will work on some dumb girls...or probably anyone under 22.
• Flowers.
• What is this? Are we in the 1960's? Are you going to put on a bow tie in a minute and lead me to your Camero? THESE WILL DIE IN 3 DAYS. Bring me something shiny that used to be a rock, then we'll talk.
• Alcohol.
• This one's a winner. Tried and true, through and through. But there's a balance. Buy her too few drinks and she's going home with her friends to giggle and make mac & cheese. Buy her too many drinks and she's throwing up in your nightstand. As soon as she makes out with you publicly, that's your sweet spot. No more alcohol. This works particularly well if you live NEXT to a bar. Think about how smooth that transition can be...
• "Let's Just Snuggle"
• The segue to is just too easy. I dont' know how anyone can mess this up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I graze your boob?
• Be Kind of an Asshole
• If you're a total asshole, you're going to be dismissed. No one wants to feel like shit. If you're super nice, you're going to get walked all over. But "kind of an asshole" is fucking gold.

There are countless more I'm sure. I'm not trying to say I'm a pro. I mostly get girls by being slightly awkward  I think, which somehow works with lesbians. But I do have my smooth moments, so maybe the combination is what works. Regardless, I have a strong appreciation for any out-of-the-box approaches that lead to success.

Recently I was out for drinks with a group of friends when I witnessed one of the most creative techniques for getting some I've seen to date. A friend of mine spent about 20 minutes talking about how she doesn't even care that she hasn't gotten it in in a while because no one can get her off anyways. She even went so far as to make the statement that no one had ever been able to get her off by going down on her. We were not talking quietly. You could literally see all the guys within hearing distance glance over with the same look in their eyes..."I bet I could do it." Hell, even though I had no real intention of doing it, my immediate internal reaction was the same. I have no idea if her intention was to lure someone in, or if she was just making conversation and venting. But you know what....my friend got oral pleasured that night by the only single person at our table. Like, are you even kidding me with this? It's genius. Do other people use this?
"Oh, no one can get me off. I'm impossible. Dont' even bother."
"What's that? You think I can't do it? Well, HA. Let me show you. I can't do it....pffff...can't not do shit, that's what I can't do. Lay the fuck down. Let me help you with those pants."

Bad Decisions: Using a pickup line you heard in a movie as your technique to get girls.
Better Bad Decision: Following it up with, "That's alright, I can't find anyone who makes me enjoy sex anyways."

By the way, this tactic probably only works when used by a woman. If you're a dude and you tell some chick she can't get you off, I'm pretty sure she's going to laugh in your face. Let's be honest, if she pushes her boobs together, gives you that look (you know the one) and glances at your zipper, you're pretty much already there.

Life Lesson: There's no excuse for a dry spell anymore.

Get it girl.
-LSLP, Ash.

PS- Sorry to my family who reads this. I mean, I dont' even know what "sex" is. Who wrote this?!