Let's start by blaming the Bruins. During their playoff run last month, I had to drink and stay up late about 3 times a week during every game they played. I HAD to. They needed me. So by the time they actually won the playoffs, and the ensuing after game celebrations were over, I was essentially half a human. I woke up the day after the playoffs with the beginning of what would be about a week of the 30-60 second coughing. It's a miracle my boss and co-workers did not club me to death with staplers and corded phones. They did keep telling me to go to the doctor, which at first was endearing because I thought they cared about me, but soon became disconcerting as I realized they were slowly going crazy from my incessant coughing. (Heh, heh. Sorry guys. Why are you holding those scissors like that, guys? Guys?)
My go-to when I'm sick is to not go out on weeknights, drink smoothies, and eat soup. Which is what I've been trying to do for the past 3 weeks, but a hectic schedule of social events has made this close to impossible. Juuuusssst when I start to get better...someone has a bbq and I have to consume a hard iced tea or electric lemonade during the day light hours. This means that I have to keep consuming beverages of this type until the end of the night unless I want to pass out at 7pm. (damn you, day drinking.) None of this is great for recovering your health.
Over the past three weeks, just as my cold/cough/disease has started to improve, I have had to participate in a Beirut tournament, go see Amanda's band play at an outdoor party, and somehow make it through July 4th weekend, which was about 80 hours of drinking and 10 pounds of potato salad into my stomach.
Bad Decision: Drinking your weight in vodka when you've had a sore throat for 3 weeks.
Better Bad Decision: Using orange juice as a mixer. You know, for the vitamin C.
During this whole epic battle between me and my body's defense system, I somehow convinced myself it was a good idea go to on a first date with someone. Reschedule? HA. Rescheduling is for the weak. Pull it together, body. Miraculously, through fits of coughing, I managed to get this girl to like me a little (God, I'm such a charmer) and despite the fact that I appear to have the plague, she has continued to make out with me for a month (Win!). Here is where the evidence gets interesting. She has not gotten sick. Either this girl has the immune system of steel, or I do not have a virus. I'm starting to suspect this is all some elaborate torture scheme of my slowly appearing allergies. I haven't had allergies my entire life...until this year. It's like they appeared and waged a war.
ALLERGY ARMY: One month of nose running! One month of coughing! One month of swollen throat! YOU OWE US 26 YEARS OF SPRING-THROUGH-SUMMER MISERY, WHORE!
ME: NEVER! I am a healthy mother fucker! I. do. not. get. sick.
ALLERGY ARMY: Oh really? throws some pollen.
ME: Yea...:wheeze, wheeze...I'll be fine in..coughcough...please...no...hack.
And then I die.
But really, I think I might be OK if I could end my nights with a little less of this:
Thumbs up, because I'm 4 cocktails deep.
and this:
I can't feel my face! Whooo!
And a little more of this:
A co-worker gave me that "detox" vitamin.
Yeah, that happened.
Basically, if I can keep my leg off Amanda and consume more healthy things, I might be able to get over a cold in less than a month. Maybe.
Now I have been taking it easy this week, and will probably be just about better by Saturday....which is when I have a wedding to go to. Will I survive? That depends on if there is an open bar. For my health's sake, I hope there is not. I am no match for open bar.
Life Lesson: For every 3 weeks of BBQ's, bonfires, Beirut, and binging, book one week of movies and soup.
Coughcough.
You're gonna need it.
-LSLP, Ash.
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